TTC is Hard. And Scary.

I used to think that getting pregnant would be easy and I don't think I'm alone in that.  Call me naive, but before I started to research fertility and the process of trying to conceive, I always just assumed that I would become pregnant shortly after I stopped taking birth control pills.  I had no idea that there was a whole corner of the internet dedicated to couples trying to conceive, and until I discovered that community, I never even considered that it might take a long time for us to become pregnant.

Early last year my cycles became extremely irregular.  When I finally made an appointment with my gynecologist, I had been spotting every day for about two months.  She put me on oral contraceptives, Loestrin 24Fe, because she felt that my irregularity was caused by a hormonal imbalance.

I downloaded Ovuview on my phone to keep track of my bleeding so I would have records if I needed to visit the gynecologist again.  Browsing my new app, I noticed that there were places to enter temperatures!  And cervical mucus!  And... cervical position?!  I had to look all this up.  Would I really have to do all this when Hubs and I started trying to conceive?

I had no clue getting pregnant was so complicated!  I was already worried and I was nowhere near starting to try.

So I started my research.  Slowly at first-- not only would I have to be on the pill for at least 6 months, but Hubs and I wanted more time together before we would start trying.  Then I picked up speed.  It seemed like the more I learned, the more I felt I didn't know.  Fertility Friend and Baby Center quickly became my most visited websites.  Hubs thought I was crazy... remember, we were still months and months away from TTC.

I soaked everything up, though, keeping my newly found knowledge tucked away for the future.  Temperature charting!  Cervical mucus tracking!  Cervical position monitoring!  (actually, not that last one... cervical position still has me stumped.)  I had this in the bag, I thought.  I was actually looking forward to all of it-- even taking my temperature every morning while half-asleep.

Fast forward eight months.  It was time.  I took my last birth control pill and went to sleep with my thermometer next to my bed and my phone loaded up with my charting apps (that's right, multiple.)  I was so excited to finally be able to use all of the information I had learned months prior.

The excitement quickly let to frustration and worry, however, when my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to.  I was confused and scared that something was wrong.  Confusion led to more research and more research led to more worry.

That's where I am now.  A few months in and my body still isn't doing what it should be doing.

Before you started trying to conceive, did you research so much that it made you crazy, or did you and your significant other decide to wing it?

First comes love...

I'm not sure if I believe in destiny, but there's one thing I know for certain: If my life is destined for anything, it's motherhood.

I've always known that I would have children, and until this point, I've just been waiting for all of the pieces to fall into place. When I think back, it feels like my biological clock has been loudly ticking since I turned 16; when I was younger, I pictured myself getting married and having children in my early twenties. I had a handful of boyfriends in college, but when my one serious relationship failed and I could no longer stand to be in the same room as the boy whom I thought was "The One," I had come to terms with the fact that my timeline had changed.

Now, here I am. Twenty-seven in a few weeks, married for two years to a man I never thought I would find --a man who is an amazing husband and will be a wonderful father-- ready to start trying.

And I'm scared.

Yes, the fact that I may not get pregnant easily scares me, but even more so I'm effing terrified that I won't be good enough when I do. But, that's a post for another day.

So here I am. We're trying. Scary, beautiful, exhilarating, gross... and everything else in between, this is our journey to becoming parents.